Tag Archives: drugs

L(A) (M)achine (D)u (M)oulin Rouge

It dissolves in my mouth
Paper turns bitter
I dance manically
Pretending I am fitter
Than I really am
Than I ever was
But now I am shaking
Out of control
A bird taken by wind
To fly is her goal
Trying to soar
Trying to glide
A lonely bird caught in her faltering stride
She took it too soon
She knows it herself
And now she is milk going sour on the shelf
The sounds of Nirvana become hell to her ear
Have you noticed how milk tastes so horrible here?
The French think (for some reason)
That fresh milk should be preserved
That butter should be unsalted
That it’s okay to stare at girls
I’ve noticed in Paris that
Being grim is not okay
That the weather will turn to mimic the
Torment of your scag day
It’s okay to write it off
Because the French do it to you
Don’t get me wrong
I love them really
I do
I love being invisible but to a small few
Almost as much as the French love standing in fucking queues
I don’t know why I need help to be happy
My top comes off
Hands clutch at my body
The photographer realises now is the time to snap me
Not before when I was dancing thanks to gay friends and poppers
People stare and internal voices scream
They’re angry because I’ve reached out for external help
For something that prevents my brain from becoming pulp
As are most interactions in clubs
It sharpens and flushes
It heightens and I thud
To the floor as I get down from my imagined stage
Both the one I induced
And the one in the Moulin’s rage
Head spinning
I falter
And crash down in a blood red poof
The smoking cage ignites
So does the jealousy I stirred
And I scream in his ear
“Do you fancy that blonde bird?”
I clutch at his glass of water and
It disappears in one
I don’t know why I do this
It’s not as if I’m having any fun
But the picture from earlier reminds me of my beauty
And the thick tears welling up rekindle my purity
It’s a fire I extinguished
I don’t even remember when
Maybe it was when sexuality confused me at age ten
It’s still all-consuming
The confusion
I mean
But anyway
Let’s continue with my night in La Machine
These thoughts begin to spiral
Chewing inside my head
And I think of trippy Kygo
And the sexual healing that I dread
But long for in his body
In his mouth and in his yells
I don’t know why I think it
But I think of wedding bells
The albatross is said to be the loneliest bird alive
It spreads its huge wings
Flying merely to survive
To survey the life unfurling beneath its fantastical wings
Underneath her in Paris
Whitney Houston’s voice sings
I will always love you
A small part of you at least
But that thought is chewed up by
My ingested chemical beast
And you go back to her
And I go back to me
I’ve asked you already
Why can’t you fucking see?
But enough about you
About him
About me
You’re probably bored of my drug-fuelled sobriety
Of my antics and my angst
I’m bored of it too
I’m bored of falling asleep thinking about you
Of thinking of whether or not you think I’m cool
Of whether or not I am
My gurning jaws let out some drool
My teeth are in agony
The next day
The next week
And my eyes tell the story that
My mouth cannot speak
My beak becomes clamped with dusty gold tape
My eyes become clouded
It’s time to take a break
It’s time to allow my old feathers to moult
To cruise along slowly
Avoiding the jolt
I will become the lonely bird again
Who draws out her birds-eye map with her pen
Just for a little while
I will become she
You can still see my heart beating if you take time to look at me
My pupils will slowly return to their normal size
I will migrate with the birds
Dissolve the chaos in my eyes
As I write this I’m lying naked in my bed
And I thank you
For taking the time to get inside my head.



Taking me through a blue-tinged dream 

Sounds become crisper 

Sights become clearer 

Smiles surround me. 


What takes me by surprise is that 

I’m smiling too


And this time, it isn’t false. 


My body moves strangely


And my neck and jaw hurt the next day 


But I don’t care because 


I smiled. 


And I don’t care that sweat dripped

My feet tripped

Clothes unzipped 




I smiled. 


And the blue-tinged dream always ends 

Sounds dull 

Colours fade 



It always contains a smile too 


For one brief moment 


When my dream becomes blue.